Do you and your partner feel like housemates? Are you disengaged and feel taken for granted?
Deepest intimacy - When your relationship started and you were so 'in love', do you remember what it was like? Can you remember that you used to talk about everything? You spent every moment with each other and couldn't get enough of each other.
You stole moments with each other, talking way into the night or if you couldn't get together spent hours on the phone. You would discuss yourselves, your past, your relationships, hopes and dreams, disappointments, failures - everything. Why was it so easy? Because you believed that your partner really wanted to find out all about you. You felt secure that no matter what you said you would not be judged because your partner loved you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
He seeks sexual intimacy, wanting reassurance that she is still in relationship with him. But her unresponsiveness signals that the distance between them is real. Her need is to talk first about the way she is feeling before she can accept him physically. So her response is, "No, not tonight". After a few more "No, not tonight" answers he stops asking for sex, knowing he will be rejected. Once he stops signaling his interest for her physically, she feels even more rejected than before.
Housemates - Living as housemates means that there is no emotional intimacy. Conversation is maintained at a superficial level and you each wear a mask, disguising your true feelings by limiting discussion to 'safe' topics to do with the household or managing the children. She treads gently around him and he never gets to talk about what's going on in his head because he fears her reaction. They never have sex and so suspicion, petty arguments and irritability rises. There is a decrease in the level of trust. The Housemate syndrome has arrived! - 16928
Deepest intimacy - When your relationship started and you were so 'in love', do you remember what it was like? Can you remember that you used to talk about everything? You spent every moment with each other and couldn't get enough of each other.
You stole moments with each other, talking way into the night or if you couldn't get together spent hours on the phone. You would discuss yourselves, your past, your relationships, hopes and dreams, disappointments, failures - everything. Why was it so easy? Because you believed that your partner really wanted to find out all about you. You felt secure that no matter what you said you would not be judged because your partner loved you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
He seeks sexual intimacy, wanting reassurance that she is still in relationship with him. But her unresponsiveness signals that the distance between them is real. Her need is to talk first about the way she is feeling before she can accept him physically. So her response is, "No, not tonight". After a few more "No, not tonight" answers he stops asking for sex, knowing he will be rejected. Once he stops signaling his interest for her physically, she feels even more rejected than before.
Housemates - Living as housemates means that there is no emotional intimacy. Conversation is maintained at a superficial level and you each wear a mask, disguising your true feelings by limiting discussion to 'safe' topics to do with the household or managing the children. She treads gently around him and he never gets to talk about what's going on in his head because he fears her reaction. They never have sex and so suspicion, petty arguments and irritability rises. There is a decrease in the level of trust. The Housemate syndrome has arrived! - 16928
About the Author:
More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a lack of emotional intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling's website, which is all about surviving indifference.
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